A New Diet. Like Atkins, But With Even Less Happiness and Pleasure

10,532 steps

Image by Newbirth35 via Flickr

My sister just started the Bodytrim diet. From what I can ascertain, it’s kind of like Atkins, but with even less happiness and pleasure.

I’m a fan of diets, and by fan I mean I like to discuss the positive and negative aspects, and then trash them mercilessly when they don’t work. For me, being a fan of diets is kind of like being a fan of Stephen King novels; I like to read and discuss them in my social circles, but I don’t really want to integrate the content into my own life – It just sounds too painful and unpleasant.

Here’s how the first few days of Bodytrim went for her:

Day 3 on Protein only – 6 small meals a day.

“I’ve started checking my incisors to see if they’ve lengthened from my extreme carnivorous diet. If one more person walks past me with a cookie or bread I might physically attack them.

My body is also wondering why I’ve suddenly taken to pouring 2 litres of water into it a day. In an obvious confused panic it’s decided to balance the intake with output (approximately every 20 minutes) – The positive is I’ve stopped waking up at night for a drink. The negative is now I just wake up needing to pee.

Monday afternoon I took the dog for a walk to make up my 10,000 steps a day. After 20 minutes I limped home with 10 cent piece blisters on my heels – I’ve decided bad things happen to people who exercise. Tuesday I figured I could just use my step machine instead. Inside. With bare feet.

The guy on the DVD tells me I’m doing a great job and my body is now a ‘fat burning machine’. I want to punch him in the face.

He also told me all my ‘cravings’ for carbs would disappear completely by the end of the third day. He lied. I just want a bucket of mashed potatoes, lined with greasy chips, smothered in full fat gravy.

Despite all of this – it appears my body is listening to the program – I’m losing about 1kg per day. I’m not really freaking surprised.

PS A girl from my work just came around as I was writing this and offered me a Lindt Hazelnut Chocolate. So wrapped up in this email was I, that I took it and stuck it in my mouth without thinking – only to realise in horror as I turned back to my screen that “BODYTRIM UPDATE” was glaring at me.

I spat it out.

If my body register’s that sugar count I’m going to kill it.”

As you can see, this sounds like a super-awesome diet plan.

In fact I was so taken with her description, I am planning on paying the $169.95 to buy the book and DVD myself. Not for the conventional reasons though, I’m purchasing it so I can hear a man (any man – I’m not particular), tell me to my face, that my body is a fat burning machine.

It’s one of those bucket list moments that I thought would never happen, and for $169.95, its a steal.

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