Torching Me Seems A Little Excessive


Image by matthewvenn via Flickr

Hubby and I were doing spring cleaning around our place last week and as expected, marital bickering was a part of that deal. Even so, nothing prepared me for the following events.

I was weeding the garden and hubby decided to push past me on the path, instead of going the long way around me and keeping it nice and simple. (like a normal person). Sounds all very innocent, right?

At the time he was holding a whipper snipper (weed eater to the Americans), and had unscrewed the cap on it. (For a still-undisclosed reason, I might add.)

As a result, when he squeezed by me, he had to perform a contortionists act and in doing so, upended the contents of the whipper snipper tank all over my back.

Have you ever been doused in any kind of fuel? If you haven’t, and you have it on your list-of-things-to-do-before-you-die, I suggest you take it off. Now. (I can assure you, it’s nowhere near as cool or amusing as you may have imagined.)

For a split-second after it hit my back, I thought it was water and gave him the death stare while I screeched in protest. A nano-second later, when the stench hit my nose and I realized what it was, the death stare darkened and became even more evil, as I responded to my instant reflex – and stood up.

Big mistake. Huge.

Standing up caused the fuel to run further down my back to my, er… rear. An important point to note here, is that fuel running down your rear, burns. A lot.

I still hadn’t yet said a word to him as I bolted for the shower, with him following me calling out “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I’m so sorry!” (Being married to me for almost 10 years, he was well-aware that no sound from my mouth, coupled with the death stare = whole world of trouble for him.)

After I showered, I put the clothes in the washer and washed them three times. They still stink of fuel and will have to be thrown out; an outcome I am less than pleased about.

However, a slightly more disturbing issue is the fact that my husband doused me with fuel and cannot provide a plausible explanation as to how. He explained that he had the cap unscrewed, but couldn’t seem to elaborate as to why it would be undone on a tank full of fuel in the first place!

He maintains that since I did not view a lighter, pack of matches or a piece of flint on him, I cannot claim anything more sinister than the accident he is  professing. Still, a girl can’t help but have her suspicions and while I do, I’m planning on milking it for as many ‘make-it-up-to-me-gifts’ as I can get.

After all, in the midst of some garden-variety spring clean and tame marital bickering, torching me does seem a little excessive.

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18 thoughts on “Torching Me Seems A Little Excessive

  1. Sharp says:

    haha poor you..
    so.. how did you punish him? Did you pour motoroil down his pants? :’)


    • Not yet – I’ve been making a list of things that would be appropriate payback, and now you’ve mentioned this, asking for suggestions might just be the trick, perhaps there are people out there, more sinister than myself!

      Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll let you know how he has to suffer in the end. 🙂


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  2. tracey says:

    Oh my gosh. Well, at least it didn’t get into your , um other side. You know? Yow. I say you need to douse him in a bottle of really, really cheap ladies perfume. Head to toe. While he’s wearing a favorite sweater or something.


    • Oh yes had it ‘gone there’, the repercussions would have been felt by him for years to come, I can assure you! I love your idea, pick grannies perfume that makes him gag every time he smells it and douse his favorite clothes, not just one sweater, all his favorite things. It seems only fair!


  3. Dave McCoy says:

    Harsh. Have you thought it may be his rehearsal? Just a suggestion.


  4. First off. I must apologize.

    I just laughed my ass off. Yes, off.

    Regardless of how splendidly ecstatic I am that you’re ok and still able to put up a fight…that was a riot!

    And I’ll pray for your husband. I’m betting his payback is gonna come when he least expects it.



    • Well, if you’re anything like me, having a little of my ass laughed off, could only be a good thing.( I guess its kind of a community service I’m providing.) I only wish it were that easy for me!

      Prayers cannot save him, but you are welcome to try 😉


  5. Holy crap I would have lost it right then and there!!!! You are a better woman than I!!! 🙂


  6. Kari says:

    I hope you haven’t thrown on the clothes yet – there may still be hope for them! I once had a favoritwe pair of running shoes which accidentally got doused with gasoline while I was refilling the lawn mower. Not wanting to give up on them entirely, I scoured the internet for home remedies, and found one that worked. I put them through the washer with a cup of baby oil (no detergent), then after that cycle was done I washed them again with detergent. Worked perfectly!


    • This is so great, thank you for posting it! I never even thought to search online for a solution. I will try this today and will be one happy camper if my clothes are saved! Thanks for stopping by and posting the comment 🙂


  7. jaurquhart says:

    Yikes! I expect your poor husband was mortified. One needs to feel that every once in a while in a relationship :=) Puts the ‘kibosh’ on the oh-so-human tendency to take for granted those nearest and dearest.


  8. delajus says:

    Well, I have a friend whose then husband actually squirted lighter fluid all over her and threatened her with one of those automatic fireplace lighters. He did time. She got a divorce. See? It could have been so much worse! Glad all you got out of it was a burny bum. By the way, I think you got directed to the wrong blog. Try The name of the new blog is Higher and Higher. Obviously, I am not yet adept at this blogging thing. It was kind of you to visit my old blog, but unfortunately it does not appear that I will be continuing that rather ambitious undertaking! Love your blog! Marianne


    • Wow, Ive heard terrible stories like that, I cant imagine someone really doing that to anyone, especially someone you supposedly love! I DO jest about my husband doing it intentionally of course. Sounds like your friend made a really smart decisions and got the hell out of dodge. I will check out your blog now, but just so you know your avatar and link up here on the left of your comment goes to your other blog. Its all so confusing when its new! Thanks for the lovely comment x


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