Your Children Aren’t Nearly As Intelligent As You Believe. (Trust Me On This.)

This company assumed children blessed with the gift of logic, would be drinking their milk.

Today it became crystal clear to me why Doctors say our kids shouldn’t be drinking flavored milk, or soda pop.

Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with the sugar content, obesity epidemic, rampant ADD in our schools, or the complete lack of nutrition.  In fact, it’s a much less hotly-debated issue.

The reality is, they aren’t at the age where they are equipped to deal with the complexities of these drinks.

“Complexities?” I hear you ask; “what could be more simple than drinking a sugary treat?”

What, indeed.

Last night my seven-year-old finished dinner, we were eating outside (it was a beautiful night), and my husband left us to return a phone call.

I had promised my son after he had eaten his dinner, he could have the chocolate milk I had bought him (a rare treat in our house), and his pleasure was evident when I distractedly handed him the drink, and began texting on my phone.

I was paying no attention to him, until I noticed him wiggling a little in his seat. In typical parenting style, I ignored it (not wanting to open up a dialogue on kid related things that would almost certainly be akin to watching paint dry on a wet and cloudy day).

The wiggling continued and turned into actual bodily shaking… he was now standing in front of his seat with his hands and arms moving in the air as well!

“What the hell?” I thought to myself.

Don’t ask”, my inner voice warned, “don’t open up that can of worms, continue on with your texting.

I knew this was a road I really didn’t want to travel, so I left it alone and continued with my text.

Moments later, he sighed loudly and sat back in his chair, with a force that comes from the exhaustion of moving so energetically on a warm evening.

Then the lunacy spewed forth from his lips;

“mummy, why do I have to shake well before opening this drink?”

Note the little " symbols they have added to the bottle to really emphasise the shaking - little did they know the confusion this would cause.

This my dear friends, is the result when one’s reading ability, far surpasses their intelligence level. (A condition I suspect many adults also suffer from, but that’s fodder for another post.)

As a result of this illogical display of senselessness, my son will only be given one  beverage option – water – when requiring relief from his thirst for the next half decade or so.

Until he is capable of reading the label and deciphering for himself that wording like “twist top”  is not an instruction related to the shirt he is wearing, “contents under pressure” does not refer to an unresolved emotional conflict or a tight work deadline for the beverage, and “ring pull”, is not the can asking you to present your buttocks for any kind of assistance – he will be banned from all beverages that are not see-through.

And from what I’ve just witnessed, it may be a long 5 years.


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37 thoughts on “Your Children Aren’t Nearly As Intelligent As You Believe. (Trust Me On This.)

  1. Carrie says:

    Well, halleluia! She’s back!!

    And…oh. My. Goodness.

    He was shaking?!? I love him…that makes me love that child! I had no idea where you were going with that and when I read it…I cracked!

    That is precious…simply precious!

    I kinda wish I was that smart.


    • He was shaking. And how. I spent the whole night laughing about it every time I thought about how he looked. It really want hilarious, and to be fair, a little confusing if you take everything literally – as kids do!


  2. societyred says:

    That is hilarious! It reminds me of a similar episode with my son a few years back. He was attending College (College!) and ran out of gas in the parking lot. When he called me and said his car was broken, I asked him what happened. He said he thought it was low on oil and the engine seized up. I asked if there was gas in the car. He said “of course there’s gas in the car dad, the little gas pump light hasn’t gone on yet”…I then educated him on the fact that not all cars had this warning light (his car was an older model). Funny the things we all take for granted.
    Thanks for sharing and for coming back; missed your humor and your take on life!


    • That’s hilarious, its so easy to take for granted when we have know things as they are for so long. My son asked what the window pull was on a car when we first moved back to Aus, he hadn’t seen on on a car in the US – here electric windows are only on cars with the ‘luxury’ package. It was an eye opener to see things through his eyes! Love that your son was in college for this one, makes it all the more amusing! Thanks for the lovely compliment!


  3. Elyse says:

    Welcome back. I’m shaking — can I have my chocolatey drink now, please!


  4. Glad you’re back! You better explain the back of the shampoo bottle before you run out of hot water and he runs out of hair.


  5. Sammy says:

    This is my first read of your blog. Clever. Having a large family myself and have seen my fair share of ‘unusual’ behaviour I must admit your restraint in not interfering with the natural process of being a little out there really paid off. Well done mom. (and what a clever boy)


  6. Brilliant – loved it. 🙂


  7. Tina says:

    Wondered where you were! This post is a gem!!!!!! I’m posting about a child situation today as well.


  8. etomczyk says:

    No, no, no, no! I must protest on your son’s behalf. We must have chocolate milk because this is too funny. If you just give him water, where will the joy and merriment go? Will he do such an hysterical thing over water. I think not. Rethink this, Mommy, we beseech you! 🙂

    P.S. Welcome back!


  9. Sunshine says:

    Welcome back!!! The things our kids will say and do! I love it and I love this post! 🙂


  10. Stonehead says:

    Moments like are a regular event when you have a child with Aspergers. They’re extremely literal and capable of holding onto multiple meanings for a phrase (hence the delay when they try to work out which meaning is ‘correct’). I find it fantastic for revealing how daft the English language is.

    Read these literally: pull your socks up, take a hike, eyes in the back of your head, hold your horses, pull your finger out, undressing you with your eyes, it’s been hundreds of years since I saw him, he’s a pain in the bum, and so on. Even ‘duck!’ He’s been hit in the head by balls while looking for a bird, but he’s getting the hang of that one.

    Things like this lead to much hilarity in our household as we’re quite relaxed about it and prefer to lean towards the silly side of life.

    Unfortunately, it does cause problems at school. For example, when asked to circle pictures that go together, our son circled horse and car. The teacher said he was wrong, he should have circled car and plane as they’re both machines. He didn’t accept our son’s explanation that horses and cars travel on the ground, planes don’t. If he’s told to go to the quiet room and finds the radio is on or people are talking in the designated room, he’ll wander around looking for the quiet room. And that guarantees further trouble.

    He moves up to high school next year, which will be very interesting.


    • This is brilliant! In fact, a child with Aspergers isn’t ‘different’, we are! We are the ones saying things that make no common sense and having poor kids try to figure out what the hell we’re really on about! I tried to imagine every one of the scenarios you suggested. Chaos! The teachers should adapt to the kiddos, not the other way around. Looking for an actual quiet room? Whose the dummy in this scenario eh? I suggest to you it is the adult, but a country mile. Thanks for the eye opening perspective. 😉


  11. Megan says:

    This is hysterical! I can imagine my kids doing the same. Hopefully, those calci-yums didn’t do any permanent damage. I agree with Stonehenge above that the English language, slang, etc. do make it difficult for kids these days. I’m trying to teach my 2 year old son some proper dance moves. His current knee-bend-constipated-looking-stomp might have him benched for prom.


    • If I could only remember all the asinine things he does, I’d have a post every day 😉 Im with you on the dance moves. My son isn’t hugely gifted in the rhythm department either, may need a little ‘help’ from his mummy – the things we do for out boys! Thanks for dropping by!


  12. I was starting to wonder where you had gone, glad you’re back!


  13. Katriina says:

    Another great post! Kids and their hilarious literal-mindedness… I am guilty of sometimes failing to correct my kids when they say something that makes me giggle, in the hope that they’ll say it again (like my younger daughter’s recent insistence that a beloved Backyardigans episode, where the characters protect an egg called Egbert, is about “egg butt”).


  14. Sharp says:

    haha nice :’)


  15. With kids, it’s always something…they are really strangers in a strange land. funny post


  16. Your post reminded me of the time my teenaged son asked me while he was shaking the milk carton, “Dad, why do we shake the milk?” Only then did I realize we continued to shake it, even though the milk was now homogenized, obviating the need. We still get a chuckle from it.


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