Unknown Cystic just wrote me a rather chastising comment bringing my attention to the fact that I had only written 3 posts this year.
Of course I made an un-spellable sound, something like pffftttttsshhh, and tossed my head as though the mere thought was absurd.
Then I logged onto my blog and began scrolling. Which, if you’re a regular reader here, you’ll know means that I didn’t even get one full swish on the Macbook mousepad in before I came to the end of my posts for 2012.
Because there were only 3 posts!!
I knew I had been neglectful of course, in fact I previously dedicated a whole post to my neglect, but I didn’t realize that I was four days from the 5th month of the year and only had three posts to show for it – meaning that I couldn’t even claim a post a month!
(A dismal failure in anyone’s world, but one that I was prepared to tell myself was acceptable.)
He told me to ‘just write about what’s happening in life’. So here I am, with nothing of value to say, but posting nonetheless.
I’ve been working on an article on Organic Chicken Farming for days. Days! It should have taken me about 2 hours at most. I cannot seem to make it come together. I have never farmed a chicken (organic or otherwise) so I know nothing about it. Of course this requires me to research it in-depth, and then write about it as if I know what I’m talking about. What fun! I hear you say.
My husband calls it the BS factor and says I have it. It’s one of the nicest compliments he’s given me this year. I’ll leave it to your imagination to decipher what the “BS” stands for.
So I’ve been toiling over this article – so much so that once its done my hourly rate will end up being less than I’d make working the drive-thru at McDonalds – I’m sure of it. But at least I’ll know all about how to farm chickens. One must always remember, the rewards are so much greater than what shows up in the bank account.
My sister interrupted my afternoon of floundering through figurative chickens and their coops, by sending me a copy of her resume and asking me to check for errors like spelling, grammar and these things: ; ‘ ” , . :. (that would be punctuation).
I started reading and her resume went something like this:
Running the Country
Sorting Out Industrial Disputes
Solving Environmental Issues
Calming Down Psychotic Staff
Working with Big-Time Lawyers
Pacifying Angry Executives
Pretty Much Running The Country
The thing went on for about 15 pages and used intricate phrases I couldn’t even comprehend like, “….external stakeholders to ensure the organization meets its natural resource management outcomes…”
What the hell does that mean? What’s natural resource management and how does one measure the outcome?
All in all I ended up quite dizzy from the vast majority of complex information on the pages, and had to lie down for a spell. I rallied though and got myself through it, offering key support on the refinement of such an important document.
I contributed things like ‘this would look better with a comma’ and ‘there was a period missing there’ and my favorite, ‘if you switch these two words around, it will look much better.’
We all know when she applies for a job and gets it, who she’ll have to thank, don’t we? In typical family member fashion, I’m sure she wont be greasing my palms with my percentage of the salary increase though.
Just for kicks after I sent off my corrections, I pulled out my resume to review the past 20 years of my life. It went something like this:
None that count
Rep for an (evil) Multi-National Pharmaceutical Company
Repped for an even more evil Big-Pharma Company
(got a company car and a business card and thought I’d hit the big time)
Moved to Ireland to drink beers with Will and Pamela at the Crown Bar
Moved to England (Cambridge) to drink beers with Wingnut at The Eagle Pub
Moved elsewhere in England (Near Oxford) to drink Tequila shots with Lucy and look after her children (a brilliant merge)
Moved to Denver, Colorado to elope with my (now) Husband
(seemed like a good idea at the time)
Started a business
Got pregnant and deathly ill and closed the business
Had a kid
Started another business
Sold it 2 years later for a very nice profit
(this was the pinnacle of my career, it’s all downhill from here)
Moved to Texas
Started to become green, Texas version of a hippie
Spent 2 years learning that Y’all means You all, and not some guy called “Yoll.” (Y’all coming to dinner… Y’all welcome to use the pool, Y’all going on vacation. For a long time I thought I had just never met “Yoll.” but knew he was sitting pretty when it came to the invitation department. Seemed everyone, everywhere wanted him around!)
Started Writing with some Focus
Moved to Australia
Decided it was a great idea to study 4 degrees at once
Realized my sister is 8 years younger than me and has achieved more than I will in the next 40 years!
As you can see, if its good times and fascinating stories you’re after, I’m your girl. But if it’s an educated woman with a brain, my sister might be a little more up your alley.
Still, we can’t all be smart, who would all the men marry? Who would fulfill the black sheep roles?
Every role is important, lets face it, we all really value that our trash collector comes every Wednesday. He is a vital part of our world, he is not unimportant!
I’ll leave you with that deep thought.