Tag Archives: marriage

Faux Pas

5652724063_de2b6d2ee5_zI wasn’t sure I wanted to have a child when I was younger.

I spent my 20’s traveling, working, eating at great restaurants and generally enjoying life. I had a good job that paid well with a company car, laptop and phone. My personal expenses were almost zero. I lived in an apartment just steps from the beach, and I used my 4 weeks vacation a year to travel overseas as much as possible.

I ended up giving up the well-paying job and moving to Ireland and then England to travel, before finally settling in the USA with my (now) husband. It was so much fun! Living in and experiencing new countries and cultures should be a rite of passage for all 20-somethings. I met so many interesting people, visited so many fascinating places and wanted more and more of it. I wasn’t sure that kids and the kind of travel I envisioned for my life would mix very well…

Then my son came along. After a few years of misery (the kid was born 3 months early, spent 4 months in intensive care and never slept through the night until he was three years old due to a feeding disorder – so yes, I can honestly say it was often miserable), he became one of my primary reasons for a good laugh.

Kids are funny, they just are. Even better, most often they aren’t trying to elicit a response so their hilarity is even more endearing. Like when we were driving by a large cemetery in a city far from our town and the headstones could be viewed as far as the eye could see. The 8-year-old said:

“WOW, it looks like a whole lot of people have died…”

Yes it does son, yes it does.

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However, the biggest laugh my husband has had of late can be attributed to me when talking about my son to his teacher during a school interview a few months back. About halfway through the interview all was going well with the teacher until I came out with the following;

“Sorry he hasn’t completed all of his homework over the past few weeks, we’ve just moved house and getting internet hooked up in this town is harder than scoring cocaine…he’ll get it finished as soon as we are back online.”

Yeah, I really said that. It sounded a lot better in my head than it did after it came out of my mouth and I saw the teachers response (she did not smile). I couldn’t see my husbands response, his head was already in his hands by the time I looked over at him.

The conversation in the car afterwards went something like this:

Hubby: ” I can’t believe you said that! It’s possibly the number one thing you should never say to your child’s teacher!”

Me: “Oh come on, she had to know I was kidding, I volunteer in class every week for Gods sake! Surely that buys me a little credibility? Surely I can get a pass based on my history of good works? It just explained the situation so well. We moved weeks ago, and the damn telco company still hasn’t been able to get our internet hooked up, it’s ridiculous!”

Hubby: “I’m sure she’s reporting us to DOCS.” (Dept. of Community Services)

Me: “Oh well then, judging by the copious quantity of cigarette-smoking parents towing bare-footed children behind them with snot running down their faces and coughs that sound like the death rattle in the middle of winter – along with the large display of grammatically incorrect cuss words spray painted on the bridge heading out of town, they seem largely useless at their jobs – so I suspect it will all turn out just fine.”

Kiddo (little voice from the back seat): “Why is cocaine so hard to get?”

Hubby and I (in unison): “Because its dangerous, don’t ever try it!”

Hubby has since announced I am banned from future interviews until he has time to redeem our family name.

With him on the job it could take decades.

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Ode To My Husband (The Only Man In The World Who Would Have Me)

The Broadmoor Hotel, Colorado Springs, Colorado

9 years ago today, we walked into a courthouse in Denver and eloped.

As we left, you with a lifetime of possibilities and me with my free goodie bag of Tupperware (a total 1950’s housewife gift, I was insulted and planned on writing a complaint letter. Like most of my planned complaint letters, it never materialized), I hoped I’d done the right thing.

The Day We Eloped - Ootober 18, 2002

A few months later with 80 of our friends and family, we officially tied the knot at the beautiful Broadmoor Hotel (and I was right, it was an improvement on a Mexican restaurant).

The roller coaster ride began, and it hasn’t slowed down since.

Our wedding day - January 2003

The first day of our honeymoon as we began our drive down the coast of Mexico, you impressed me by crushing a beer can on your forehead (splitting your head open when you used the wrong end – the one with the sharp edge).  I laughed for hours, and have rarely stopped laughing since.

I knew without question then, you were the boy for me.

As far back as our wedding day you were making me laugh

You have been the best sport as I laugh at you more often than with you (most often in blog posts that I share with the world), and as we incessantly argue the value of crap shows like Smallville and True Blood, your addiction to community Poker games, the necessity of me owning more than 50 pairs of shoes, why Channel and Chanel sunglasses really are not the same (despite appearances), and the inappropriateness of showing your kid how to use a whoopee cushion on unsuspecting guests.

We have come to an agreement that you may not criticize my country’s wacky city names, when your own has a place called Arkansas (Ar-Kansas) and yet, you pronounce it Are-Can-Saw. This one city name definitively established that whatever the subject matter, you have no case – and never will.

You now know that here in Australia, a napkin is not something you use to wipe your face at dinner but rather, a ladies sanitary item. (That was a humiliating lesson to learn, I know.)

We have established that we can raise a great kid, but have no clue how to raise a well-behaved dog.  We know how to run successful businesses, but cannot work in one together, we’re different in almost every way, but we’ll both stand up for what we believe in (even if the cost seems exorbitantly high), and we have learned together, the largest of sacrifices result in the greatest rewards.

Our badly-behaved, but adorable dog

We can live anywhere in the world together and have a good time (not always keeping on the right side of the law, and that’s OK, because most laws are overrated and antiquated anyway). We now know that a foreign drivers license and a confused expression will get you out of almost any tight fix.

You are a man with remarkable patience, and impressive tenacity. Your fortitude is great, and your resilience is admirable. You are the best father I know (even that man in Cracker Barrel thought so), and your ability to kill a bug in the middle of the night without your contact lenses (by sheer bionic-perception), is extraordinary!

You are the son with the integrity, the father with the most adoring son, and the husband with impeccable taste…

If you are ever unsure why you are with me, remember what you told that guy who asked you why you didn’t marry an American girl:

“ Because my wife can defend the honor of a family, confront a scam artist (and convince him to accept an appropriate consequence), make a meal, prove a doctor with a foreboding diagnosis wrong  – reclaiming the health of our child, run a business and keep a house. And she can do it all without carrying a gun, visiting a shrink or popping a Xanax. That’s why I married an Australian girl.”

It’s been a crazy ride, but one well-worth taking.

Happy Anniversary!

xxx

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The Husband List

Kat, my new favorite blogger to stalk (poor Kat, this means a war and peace comment from me at least every few days… I do try and keep it concise, but…)

Anyway, she is doing an experiment of sorts, attempting to date 30 men in 3 months and blogging about her experiences. She is witty, amusing, thoughtful, open and manages to be eloquent while she does it all. Hat’s off to her! You can read her blog here.

While reading her blog it reminded me of my list from 9 years ago. That is, my list of ‘qualities I require in a husband.’ I came across this list while I was packing up my life to move to Australia. (That’s right, my husband, my son and I after 10 years in the USA have just weeks ago moved to my original ‘home’ of Australia – hence the ending of my last blog and the beginning of this new one)

So I found the list and mulled it over for a while. I wonder if there are many people who set goals in life, attain them, set more goals, attain them and so on. Looking back over my adult life and my achievements (or lack thereof), one would think I set goals only when on drunken binges and playing truth or dare. Moving on…

Here is the list in its entirety from 2002:

1. Must be financially secure

2. Must love kids (this from the woman who didn’t want kids – what was that even about?)

3. Must love animals

4. Must have a great sense of humor, specifically be able to laugh at himself (since I intend to do a lot of laughing at him also)

5. Love to travel

6. At least 6 feet tall

7. Must not be late for our first date.

8. Walk on the side of the road that is closest to the cars when we are out together, so if a tragedy occurs, it happens to his body, not mine.

9. Open doors always.

10. Have similar religious beliefs.

Here’s how I did when it came down to the wedding day:

1. He was able to pay for our then apartment rent, cars, electric, food and health insurance. DRAW

2. He never showed any aptitude towards kids but lo and behold he’s like the best father ever…people have actually stopped us in public and complemented him on his fathering. WIN

3. He does love animals.WIN

4. He thinks he’s much funnier than he is. I’m not sure if this qualifies as success or not, but he does allow me to ridicule him endlessly and has a pretty good sense of humor about it, so we’ll call this success. WIN

5. Like me, he was well-traveled. Europe, the UK and much of the US. Since we  have been married (8.5 years) we have only been to Mexico, US and Australia. Given that we lived in the US and my family lived in Australia, I consider this a whopping FAIL.

6. He’s 5′ 9 1/2″ though he claims he’s 5′ 10″ and I let him get away with it. FAIL

7. We met through my father (and he still claims he has yet to receive a dowry, while my husband maintains that taking me off his hands was the gift) and because I was living in Australia at the time we “chatted” on instant message and the phone. Our very first “date” was him picking me up from the airport. He was late. And short. FAIL

8. I suspect there are many, many times throughout our marriage when he has envisioned  pushing me in front of incoming traffic. FAIL

9. This one is laughable! Opens doors? Who? How? What? Why??? FAIL

10. He’s Jewish. I’m Christian. Enough said. FAIL

Do you all see the trend I have going here? By all accounts this marriage should be a complete failure. If this was a game of Win, Lose or Draw I would be walking off in shame right now.

The great thing about real life is that though your mind may be putting the car in reverse and holding the accelerator on the floor, the heart has grabbed on for dear life and just wont let go.

So bravo for us, bravo.

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